This little rant isn't exactly about motherhood. It's about those people who conspire to keep you from your FULL-TIME OCCUPATION of being a mother. Yes, that's right folks, I'm talking about telemarketers. For those who don't believe they exist, come and spend the week at my place, and answer my phone for a few days. I think someone's marked our number with "suckers live here".
Or at least used to.
You see, I used to be one of those polite people who would wait for the long-distance "hello? hello?" and then listen, again very politely, to the person on the other end, before saying, "no thank you, we just don't really need discounted holiday accommodation in Australia for $125 right now."
Then my politeness factor decreased, and I started cutting them off before they got into the schpiel: "Look, I'll save your time, I'm not interested." Click.
Then [interrupted while trying to get an overtired Milkbaby into a bath]: "I'm really busy right now [screams from Milkbaby], I'm not interested." Click.
And now, I barely wait for the long distance pause, the telltale click on the line and the "hello?" before I hang up, WITHOUT SAYING A WORD.
At the moment I save the expletives for after I've hung up. Usually I've run from the other end of the house to answer the phone - the exertion of that alone (usually with babe on hip) deserves a swear word or two.
I'm sure it's only a few more phone calls (and a few more sleepless nights) before I let loose on the hapless sod on the other end of the line. Either that or start trying telemarketer pranks. Here's a few of my favourites:
In perfect English say: "I don't speak English, sorry". Click.
Telemarketer: Is Mr. (someone) home?
You: No he's in the back yard digging a hole, he's been out there for 6 days.
Telemarketer: Is there a Mrs in the house?
You: No, I haven't seen her for 6 days I don't know where she is, sorry!
If they are selling windows, tell them that you live in an underground sod house. Or even if they're not selling windows, tell them that anyway. You might as well be.