This little ditty is
a few weeks old now. As soon as I'd thought "well hello Mastitis my old
friend" I couldn't get this damn song out of my fever dreams, complete
with those ageing ex-folkies gently crooning it in my ear. At one point I was
pretty sure Paul Simon had also invitedLadysmith Black Mambazo along for the ride, my
head was pounding that badly. Anyway, the song sort of works, though it
gets a bit weird around the third verse.
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of that neon light
He called it a blight
And touched the sounds of mastitis
And in the Doctor's eyes I saw
Ten thousand mothers, maybe more
Doctors talking without speaking
Doctors hearing without listening
Doctors writing scripts than voices never shared
And no one cared
For the sound of mastitis
"Fools" said I "you do not know
Mastitis like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of mastitis
And the doctors bowed and prayed
To the penicillin god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said
"The future use of antibiotics is written on the wall
of museum halls"
And whispered in the sounds of mastitis...
Thanks antibiotics, all better now. And Mastitis, I'm singing a different tune now. It goes: I am a rock, I am an island... I have no need for (your) friendship, (your) friendship causes pain...
Here's the tune, from happier times in the Simon & Garfunkel partnership.
This is one from the memory banks that I've been meaning to record for ages.
We're at a wedding, Milkbaby in tow. I'm making polite conversation with strangers. The groom's sister is pregnant. We soon get to talking babies, pregnancy, childbirth.
"I expect it will hurt a bit" she says.
"Um, yeah, it's hard to describe. It's different for everyone, but for me it started off feeling like quite bad period cramps."
"That doesn't sound too bad."
"Yeah but then it ramps up." I'm struggling to find the words. I want to say something profound, but all I can think of is the bruising I was left with on my forehead from pushing my fists into my face during contractions. Not exactly a nice image. "But remember there's no pain between contractions, so you can relax and focus."
"Oh"
She's mulling this over. I scan her face, hoping I haven't scared the bejebus out of her. I look over her outfit. It's a quirky choice for a 'sister of the groom' look.
"I imagine it won't be any more painful than having your elbows tattooed." she says, somewhat out of the blue.
I smile, keeping a poker face, as if she's just arrived at a sufficiently adequate comparison. "Hmm", I say agreeably.
"Because that was pretty painful."
I don't want to disavow her of this notion. Hey, who knows, maybe her labour will be no worse than the pain of having your elbows tattooed. Then again, probably not. It's better she finds out for herself.
"Yeah, it could be." I look at the mountains in the distance. "It could be."
Have you ever been reading an old favourite to your kids and found yourself cringing at how it's dated, or wanting to talk some sense into the characters? The Tiger Who Came to Tea is a classic, and a favourite in our house, but on the last read through I noticed it needed a bit of an update...
Seriously, what self-respecting four-year-old drinks tea?
Notice how it's only men knocking on the door? Only these days it's more likely to be a courier with something you've bought off Trademe, rather than the milkman or the grocer.
And then, without a thought for their own safety, or even checking to see who it is, they open the door! Foolish mistake.
This tiger has no manners.
See what I mean? No manners at all. But look at Mummy and Sophie's perfect manners.
Mummy was floundering a bit here, and seeming a bit useless. Sophie knows better than to tell her to buck her ideas up, but thought it would be helpful to point out that Daddy was a dab hand in the kitchen and could probably get his own dinner.
Mummy knew just what to do about the lack of water.
Doesn't this picture just shout "Honeys, I'm home!"? This is one cool daddy-o.
A cool, beer-drinking, plaid-wearing dad.
Daddy's also very rational and sensible here. First things first, sort out the tiger sighting, then we'll do fanciful things like go to a cafe to eat dinner.
Mummy hadn't had a great day, what with opening the door without checking who it was, letting in a tiger, letting the tiger eat ALL their food (AND drink Daddy's beer), and then floundering around seeming a bit silly once he'd left.
That's right, they'll certainly be more careful next time. Or maybe they just like having tigers to visit?
I wanted to write this post for Mother's Day, but I've been busy. Was it just me, or did mother's day seem like a big deal this year? There seemed to be a ton of mother's day activity on facebook, and companies doing all sorts of mother's day promotions.
Anyway, I've got a few Mother's Day awards:
Mother's Day more-viral-than-chickenpox award: This one about the world's toughest job was a bit of a viral hit. Not sure what the company was selling, but if 1% of the 19 million-odd viewers bought whatever it was, I'm pretty sure it was worth the effort.
Mother's Day will-make-you-cry-like-a-baby award: goes to The Honest Toddler for "I Don't Know if I Love You". So, so, beautiful.
Mother's Day most interrupted sleep-in ever: goes to me. By the sixth interruption at 8.30am I gave up and just lay there, pretending to sleep. But faking it wasn't quite as good as the real thing, so after 10 minutes I got out of bed and headed for the shower. Interruptions as follows:
a baby needing a full outfit change (I hopped out of bed to help)
a toddler saying he just needed to "calm me down" [cue hair stroking]
a falling stack of DVDs [cue exclamations from mother in law]
the baby being brought back in to our room for a sleep
the glass shattering on our oven door [thanks to Captain Boringvoice and his brother who thought they'd do some house renos]
the vacuum cleaner sucking up the shattered oven door.
Thankfully the rest of the day was not quite so disturbed.
As the day ended, and I rocked The Sailor to sleep, I realised that this would probably be my last Mother's Day with a baby. I rocked him a little longer that night, savouring his warm little body tucked against me, feeling the fuzz of his head against my lips.
In this digital age, when [almost] everything humanity knows can be found online, and reading is something you do on some handheld device, I sometimes wonder how kids of today (and the future) will fall in love with books, and by extension, reading.
That love affair must start as early as possible, with simple, easy to read board books. Babies must learn the something special smell of a new book, the texture of its pages, and the thrill of discovering a story as the pages are turned. It makes me sad to think there are children in New Zealand who will grow up without books in their house.
Lately, we've been reading Getting to Know You. Published late last year by Niche Books, it's the perfect book to read to your new baby. The book centres around the routines that characterise life with a newborn - and reminds us that these routines are not to be treated as tasks to be ticked off - they are opportunities to enjoy some space with your new one, inside that weird parenting bubble that envelopes a house for the months after a baby is born.
"change and chat while the world whirls..."
[translation: next time you're changing your infant and you're focusing on not getting shit everywhere, take a moment to take a breath - through your mouth mind - look up, make eye contact with that gorgeous baby and have a chat]
The text has a gentle cadence and rhythm, and is memorable enough for a toddler to learn so that they can "read" it to a younger sibling. Milkbaby's favourite line - the one he always skips to - is:
"take my time / to breathe you in"
As you can see, there is poetry here. This is a board book with a story, albeit a simple one, and it beautifully and thankfully goes beyond those boring name-the-object books you see everywhere. You can guarantee if a book is boring for you, it'll soon be very boring for your baby.
It's well known that babies are fond of looking at photos of other babies - and this little book will satisfy these cravings.
The Sailor, 10 weeks old, growing brain cells
and falling in love with books.
What's best about these photos is that they're photos of real people, and real babies, in their own environments. I can say this because Milkbaby is one of those babies in the book, and he was definitely photographed amongst the mess of our own home.* Heather has a way with babies, and an eye for capturing those moments of 'mutual gaze'. You can almost see the baby brain cells multiplying.
If you want to know more about mutual gaze and getting to know your baby during those early baby days, watch this gorgeous video.
And if you want to get your hands on a copy of Getting to Know You (go on, you know you want to!), ask for it at your local independent bookseller or order it here.
*Disclaimer: neither myself nor Milkbaby have any financial interest in the success or otherwise of this book - but it's been a hit in this house so we want to see it do well!
With the school holidays in full swing, there's a plethora of children's movies to choose from. Sadly, the release of Ernest and Celestine, the movie we've most been looking forward to, has been delayed in New Zealand, and won't come out until July. Boo.
Last week we saw Rio 2, and Lego. I managed a short interview with Milkbaby on each. Mama rant follows.
Rio 2 [Was there a Rio 1? It seems to have passed us by.]
Plot synopsis: It's a jungle out there for Blu, Jewel and their three kids in Rio 2, after they decide to leave Rio for the wilds of the Amazon rainforest. As Blu tries to fit in, he goes beak-to-beak with the vengeful Nigel, and meets the most fearsome adversary of all - his father-in-law.
What did you think of Rio?
I think the bird. The bad bird.
What happened in it? What was the story? What did the birds all do?
Ah, hide away. Some birds hid and some birds said "breakfast time!!".
Who was your favourite character
Ah, Rio. Your favourite bird? Rio. Rio, the kind of character. The blue bird. You mean Blue? Yeah, Blue.
What actually happened in the movie?
Um. The birds went in their nest.
Did they have fun?
Yep.
Who else was in the movie?
There was an elephant. With a different trunk. He had a long long nose and a long long tongue. I think that was an ant-eater. No. In Rio, the elephant. [looks at me like, duh!] And there was a frog. It was pink and black.
Were there any bad guys?
Yep, batman. In Rio? Yep. [Milkbaby's brain: where movie worlds collide, with Batman from Lego starring in Rio 2] Ok now talk to me about Lego.
I like Batman.
What about him?
I like his batcape.
What happened in the movie?
Um. The batman flying thing, the batman came.
What was your favourite part?
I don't want to talk about this any more. You play trains with me?
Mama rant
Before we go on, here's the plot synopsis for Lego:
Emmet is an ordinary, rule-abiding, perfectly average Lego minifigure who is mistakenly identified as having the extraordinary ability to save the world. He is drafted into a fellowship of strangers on an epic quest to stop an evil tyrant, a journey for which Emmet is hopelessly and hilariously underprepared.
With these three films (Sherman and Mr Peabody included), I've identified a bit of a trend. The male leads must overcome their character flaws (fear, domestication and sheer stupidity respectively) to save the universe/Amazon rainforest/Lego universe. In their pursuits, they are accompanied by a female character, who invariably is smarter, more well adjusted and sassier than they are. Yet it is the 'man' of the story who gets all the glory and ultimately saves the day.
I've said it before and I'll say it again - what are we teaching our children? When are we going to see some children's films that have a strong female lead? Frozen does not count (yes the female lead was smart, independent and her only character flaw was to be a bit too trusting - but she was a princess). I have high hopes for Ernest and Celestine.
Back to the movies at hand. Rio is perfectly watchable for a kids movie. It's fairly light on the adult gags, but the sub-plot starring Nigel - a cockatoo with a personality disorder and a penchant for Shakespeare and revenge (voiced by NZ's very own Jemaine Clement) is enough to keep you interested.
Lego. I had high expectations for this film, after it got five stars and had reviews which described it as "dancing on the brink of a cinematic revolution". It's dancing on something alright, but my guess is that something is more like LSD than cinematic revolution. If you want to find out if your child suffers from strobe-light-induced epilepsy, this is the film to take them to. The graphics are FULL ON, both in terms of colours, fast cuts, flashing lights and OTT sounds. I was actually relieved to have an excuse to leave the movies to change The Sailor and take him for a bit of a walk, even if it meant we had to encounter someone molesting the life-size Spiderman cardboard figure (not joking).
And if you want an earworm that will last at least a month, this is the film to see. The soundtrack features a song called "Everything is Awesome". Expect it to be selected by the Internet Party for their campaign song (their slogan is "This is going to be awesome").
That said, the film is packed with irony, adult gags and references and has a complex story line that cleverly mixes fantasy and reality.
Ratings
Rio 2: ** (only if you need an excuse to leave the house and your toddler is driving you bonkers)
Lego: **** (but don't say I didn't warn you about the strobe effects)
Last week I took Milkbaby and The Sailor to see Sherman and Mr Peabody. As Milkbaby is now capable of expressing his own opinions on films, I thought I'd do this review Q&A style with him. To guide you through the review below, here's a brief plot synopsis:
Mr. Peabody, the most accomplished dog in the world, and his mischievous boy Sherman, use their time machine - The WABAC - to go on the most outrageous adventures known to man or dog. But when Sherman takes The WABAC out for a joyride to impress his friend Penny, they accidentally rip a hole in the time-space continuum, wreaking havoc on the most important events in world history. Before they forever alter the past, present and future, Mr. Peabody must come to their rescue, ultimately facing the most daunting challenge of any era: figuring out how to be a parent. Together, the time traveling trio will make their mark on history.
So, what did you think of Sherman and Mr Peabody?
I liked the fighting of Penny. The fighting of Penny [hand gestures, karate chop style]. I liked the round thing.
The WABAC?
Yes, the WABAC.
What was your favourite part of the movie?
I liked the killing to get Penny away. The killing. [ed: for the record, I couldn't recall anyone being killed or dying in this movie - even "the baddies" had happy endings]
What happened in that part?
Fighting came to climb up the building, and he went on the WABAC home. [here I think Milkbaby is referring to a particularly exciting rescue of Penny from the ancient Egyptians, in which Sherman and Mr Peabody climb inside a large statue and impersonate a God who tells them to let her go]
What did you think of Mr Peabody?
He did great yoga. He did standing like that (gesticulates), with her tail, like that too. It was very funny.
What else?
And I know the fighting, the fighting to get Penny back.
Where did they go in the WABAC?
To home. Where else? And to Penny, when Penny doesn't kill, mama. Do they go to ancient Rome? Yes they did, and they're up the elevator. What about to renaissance Italy? They went to the honey bees. The saw a big guy. Mr Peabody bites someone. A big guy. He had pink and white.
What about Sherman?
Sherman is a nice boy, and Mr Peabody is a nice boy. Sherman looks like this tall (hand gestures).
Mr Peabody is a dog.
Mr Peabody is a dog. Silly me ding dong. How old do you think Sherman is?
Sherman is four years old. He turns five and goes to school.
Does he like school?
Yes he does.
Does he make friends there? Yes. What friends? Just all of them. They don't have toys there.
What else happened in the movie?
Oh, it did. What about a different movie? Madagascar.
And what did mummy think? The movie was surprisingly watchable. It had enough wit to keep me smiling, and I even learnt a thing or two from their visits to places in history. In this aspect, the learning aspect was a bit lost on Milkbaby, though the pace was probably too fast for children of all ages to actually learn something. Sadly, the familiar and sickening boy-rescues-silly-girl plot had my feminist hackles up. Unfortunately, Penny alternates between nasty and silly, and Sherman, for some reason, wants to impress her. In addition, the people they travel back in time to visit are almost all male as well (with King Tut, Agamemnon and all the other male ancient Greeks, Leonardo da Vinci, Einstein and ex-Presidents all making appearances). What are we teaching our sons with female leads and plotlines like this? I can only hope that the message Milkbaby got out of this was that the guy with the brains [Mr Peabody] will triumph, and you shouldn't do silly things to impress your friends (otherwise you may cause a rift in the time-space continuum).
Rating: *** (worth leaving the house for if you're desperate to find something to entertain your toddler)
